oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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