We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm gonna fight the coyote
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