Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
