You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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