How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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