you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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