If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
