Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
