When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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