She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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