I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
