just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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