I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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