i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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