My hand turned me down
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We left the knife in your bed.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
