just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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