Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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