im holly from the hills drunk
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Couch. On fire.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
