Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize