How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
