I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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