Got a toothbrush?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
