So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
