fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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