In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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