so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
