she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
