i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
