Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
