Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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