Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
there was a trapeze. enough said
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
