At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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