Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I can't put those talents on a resume
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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