Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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