Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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