I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
