you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
