ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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