I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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