It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
time to smoke my breakfast
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
