I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
