In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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