Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
