Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Couch. On fire.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize