if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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