8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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