wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
