I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
