I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
