Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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