he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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