I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
