Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
