11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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