my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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