The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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