So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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