Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize