Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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