I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
