my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
