i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
