i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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